I'm So WASTED!

I WILL NEVER SLEEP WITH A GIRL IN UGG BOOTS.

I WILL NEVER SLEEP WITH A GIRL IN UGG BOOTS.*

There I said it, I don’t care how sexy you are if. If you are wearing ugg boots, a north face jacket and just spray tanned your ass orange you will never earn the privilege of nibbling on the Rocheford Sausage.

I work in Times Square and I everyday I see the same girl walk by over and over again all day long. Just look around campus and you will see her. (Or you are her, so no Todd’s dick sandwiches for your alpha kappa beta ass). She will have her Ugg boots tucked into her ripped American eagle jeans. Her slight muffin top gives way to her disgusting brown or black northface jacket.

Maybe today she’s feeling some extra estrogen in her fake tits and is wearing a PINK one! If she is feeling fat after a night of drinking she will wear her matching Abercrombie sweats with PINK written across her sophomore-sized ass.

Maybe I’m being mean to these twenty something shanks, but please ladies do something original. I rather hook up with a girl wrapped up in a shit soaked blanket then a northface jacket.

Ugg boots what the fuck? its in the name UGGly boots. Maybe if you were dressing up as Viking with Down syndrome for Halloween it might acceptable to wear these outside the house. Ugg boots are the Crocs of the winter. The only difference is that people who wear crocs know they look retarded.

Humans are not pack animals you don’t have to blend in with your herd to survive. You will not die if you take a fashion risk. Looking like every other girl just makes you common and boring. So no matter how much drunkenly make out with your slut bag sorority sister you will still be BORING. So stop giving off beat lap dances to fratty mc fraterson while listening to Lil Wayne and do something Original!

I’m Out Like them Ugg boots your wearing,

Todd Rocheford

*this does not apply if you are an aussie, because you invented UGG boots and only use them when trotting around the paddock or recovering from a hang over.

I'm a dick to tourists

is it just me or do only stupid people come to visit new york ? “Where is does Rachel live?” “I want to go to central perk!”

Sometimes I can’t deal with there stupidity and I just have to do something terrible.

The other day on the subway about 8 British would not shut up. “oh look olly that man looks just like 50 cent!” “oh pip bought 15 I love new york shirts!”

luckily one of the kids got off on the wrong station, so the other kids began to scream and freak out. “no! stop the subway pip got off on the wrong station, we have to go back and get him.”

Seeing a golden opportunity I chimed in “its too late 23rd street in the most dangerous part of new york, no need to go back he’s already dead”

The kids began to tottaaly feak out “oh god save the queen! pip will never get to play cricket for enland!” I just basked in the glory of the chaos I created.

I really hope pips still sitting there at 23rd street waiting for his friends.

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